This is part of a series where I share my professional values and working style openly, so that future colleagues can get a sense of who I am before we ever work together.
Mentorship Is Bigger Than Code
When people talk about mentoring engineers, the conversation usually goes to technical skills: how to debug a tricky issue, how to design a system, how to write cleaner code. That's important work. But some of the most impactful mentorship I've participated in focused on something different entirely: how to deal with people.
Working styles. Idiosyncrasies. The way a colleague responds to you differently depending on whether they're stressed, whether they feel challenged, whether someone they want to impress is in the room. Understanding these dynamics isn't soft skills padding. It's the difference between a team that can move through disagreement quickly and one that gets stuck.
Conflict Is Not the Problem
Anyone who has worked in technology for a few years will recall contentious discussions. A code review that turned into bullying. A passionate disagreement about the product roadmap. A difference of perspective on how to best serve the customer.
There are many ways in which dedicated, intelligent, engaged, and passionate people can come into conflict. That's not inherently a problem. Encountering and navigating our way through conflict is required if we want to reach consensus, and consensus is what enables a team to move quickly together.
The problem isn't disagreement. The problem is when disagreement becomes aggression.
Don't Let People Yell at You
One of the most important lessons I've taught junior engineers is that even while they are junior, they have enormous influence over workplace norms and culture through how they respond to what they encounter.
I have a specific person and scenario in mind, and of course I'm not naming names or companies, because that's not the point. These dynamics are not unique to any one individual or team. They are remarkably common, and the response I recommend is simple, even though it can feel challenging in the moment.
Don't let people yell at you. There is no reason to tolerate this behavior.
When someone starts raising their voice, projecting their anger and frustration at those around them, it's a signal that their fight-or-flight response has activated. Frontal lobe processes -- divergent thinking, perspective taking, accurately assessing the size of a problem -- are all impaired. The person who is yelling is, in a very real neurological sense, not thinking clearly.
Perhaps they started to feel threatened. Maybe they were challenged in front of a peer, a manager, or someone they want to impress. When that sense of status is threatened, the response can be aggressive rather than thoughtful.
But understanding what might be happening for them doesn't excuse the behavior. Because that behavior has consequences beyond the moment: it reduces the quality of work. It reduces the ability of everyone involved to collaborate effectively, not just right then, but in the cooling-down period that follows. And it sets a norm that others observe and internalize.
What to Do Instead
The first response is to name the behavior and attempt to de-escalate:
"It's clear that we have strong opinions on this. Let's remember that we're all working toward the best outcome here, and take a moment to restate the situation and our perspectives."
"It's important that we stay focused on the solution. I understand that [reflect their concern back], and we can take a moment to consider that perspective before we continue."
If the behavior continues after an attempt to de-escalate, it is always an option to say:
"I am committed to finding the solution here as expediently as possible. This confrontational way of interacting is not moving us closer to our goals. I'm open to reconvening once we've had a brief moment to cool down."
This short, direct statement conveys that you are committed to a high standard of professionalism -- not only for yourself, but for your team, and for anyone else who is observing the interaction and noticing what behaviors are permitted or encouraged.
Why This Matters
One person privately told me that this advice felt like an inflection point in their career. That is the most gratifying kind of feedback to receive -- to know that something I shared helped someone else have a more collaborative and successful career.
Junior engineers often assume they don't have the standing to push back on senior colleagues. But holding your ground professionally isn't about seniority. It's about maintaining the conditions under which good work is possible. When you refuse to accept aggression, you're not being difficult. You're protecting the team's ability to think clearly and solve problems together.
That's mentorship worth doing.